Blocks

I've been pondering my proclivity in housing, work, and love to avoid effort and take what comes. In trying to see how things have happen in my life and my role in these relationships I am starting to see this pattern. But rather than simply saying "I take the easy way and am lazy" as my main way of doing business, more accurately I think I have blocks that keeps me from doing all of my due diligence to get the best, to get what I really need, to work to get myself positioned to be safe and happy and content and prosperous. I have a block to getting what I need.

What do I need? Pretty much the basics of satisfying work, a peaceful home, a loving supportive partner, and good relationships. Or these four it can be argued I have none, though as I've written elsewhere on this blog I'm trying to bolster my relationships.

I feel tremendous anxiety and doom in anticipation of getting a new job, the same in seeking a parter, and finding peaceful housing. The prospects of going on ten dates, or ten job interviews, or meeting ten prospective housemates renders me moribund. Facing an other, one who judges me, one with the power to hurt me with a rejections and dismissal, or trip me up and show my worthlessness with a difficult or painful question is how I perceive all of these situations. I don't see the fun in dating, or the excitement of meeting new people in a house interview, or the chance to 'show my stuff and shine' in front of an interview panel. I'm not so convinced of the Cognitive Behavioral idea of the power of self-talk, I do know that in these situation I self-yell at myself to run away to the safety of my own little crawl space, wherever it may be. I tell myself, and my behavior to date shows, that I would rather live under a freeway, alone, than face a potentially judgmental or cruel other.

"They are just as concerned about you, as you are about them." So? It hurts so much, by avoiding these all together it is a double mitzvah, I avoid the excruciating pain and I relieve some other of feeling it too. I don't necessarily believe that others feel as intensely as I do about these places of meeting. Some sure do and I know them by the way our meetings are so gentle and still and rare. If another of my ilk and I do meet, it is soft like a summer rain. The duration is short, memory is sweet, and the effect is small. Meetings with those other more hardy folk end either with me feeling horrible and rejected, or at best I feel I've somehow surreptitiously slipped through their judgment and I feel nauseous and fraudulent.

Back to attachment theory , my working on relationships might be the foundation for a more full ability to relate to others and take on the negotiations for what I need. A child safely attaches to their parent and has that relationship become second nature and good. After this primary relationship is developed and it is good and safe, a child confidently steps away and experiments with others and other relationships. These experiment succeed, which is good, and sometimes fail, sending the child back to the known safety and security of its primary parental relationship. I'm 46 so I have to try the adult version. I am betting on close interpersonal relationships with the folks in my life who I already have a sense that I can depend on. I'm trying to acknowledge to those folks and myself that I love, appreciate and depend on them as important people in my life. I hope to just take it from there. I am trying to no longer neglect in any way those people with whom I feel a loving attachment. If I'm right, this genuine loving human relationship will be a foundation with which I can confidently go forth and ask a potential employer for what I need, I'll ask an attractive person to be with me, I'll insert myself into a vibrant house and take my place as an equally important contributor to its habitability.

I am betting I can be unblocked by healthy relationships with the people already in my life who are capable of meeting me in relating and thriving. Perhaps you who are reading this (and most likely those who have read this far).