Painting my $800 Scion with SPRAY PAINT! (Pt 1)

Domain Expired

 My domain name expired.  I didn't care about it too much. 

www.ccplanet.net

I checked on it yesterday, noticed it was gone, then used the blogger tool to buy a new domain.  

www.ccollins.org

That seems okay.

Clearly I have an eating problem. After work this fine Friday evening I wanted to spend time with my dog, because he has not been feeling so well. I came home and napped for a bit. Then I awoke and ate four hot dogs. I popped on the latest "Mindy Project" and realized that the three potatoes I bought could roast in the already pre-heated oven.  Roast they did for :60 minutes. While roasting I had a cocktail....Bourbon and coke with a twist of lime.  As there was a bit of coke left over, I had a second cocktail. By then the three bakers were finished and with relish, and butter and sour cream I devoured one, then two, then three. Thank G-d there isn't a pint of ice cream in the freezer or I'd probably have suck that down too.

The old horrible expression, I eat until it hurts, is far to close to my reality.

Overt Racism

Today I met a person who lives here on my new street. He said "I don't mean to sound racist, but I'm so glad you are a 'white gentleman' who moved in here, and not a Puerto Rican."

It is late, I really don't have much more to add to this blog post, the new neighbor's words to me will just have to stand on their own.

Homeowner

I bought a house in Lebanon Pennsylvania. This is my first time buying a house. It was a drawn out and aggravating process. Scary too. Sitting at the settlement table with two real estate agents, a lawyer, the owner, and the ghost of all the other entities that poked and prodded me over the preceding several months I seethed in an acidic hatred for them all. After that day, I own the house and I've not seen or spoken to any of them. Good. Must it be this way? My g-d what a process.

I moved in about two weeks ago. So far, I'm behaving as if I'm camping. More accurately I've moved so frequently over the last ten years (really all of my life)  I've learned to show up at work looking normal, and being present and productive, even though my living situation is in flux and difficult. It's a hard act, yet for me it is what I do. I wonder what options are opened up to me as I live without having the understanding that pretty soon I'm going to have to roll on out of here. I'm not sure. I'm hoping there is a security and space to explore new things, new rituals and routines.

Last weekend I bought a gardening implement at a box store, then drove home and used the tool for about an hour. Now after the fact I can see the results of my effort, right there in the back yard. Why make the effort? Qui bono? Here in this house I'm able to just observe if subjectively I feel good about the whole act. It is a luxury which I only can express during times of security and calm.

Am I now calm and secure? What will emanate from me in this place, what are the things that I'll choose? Will I use care in choosing things that do make me feel good. My inner monk now has a tangible cell to revel in purity and peace, but squinting into the future there is a vision of being unaware and lazy, my house becoming as much the outside world that I pass through, and not a place for calm. I'm afraid of all the hard work and care it is going to take to own a home that provides me a place of calm. One the one hand I'm proud to have managed to have stayed alive this long with all that I've been though, this house being a culmination of hard work and effort (and privilege and luck). On the other hand a big part of me has very actively avoiding this domesticity, and that part of me failed. Will this failed Berserker take it well? And just as importantly will my newly preeminent householder step up and be dependable.

Green Smoothie

I just dusted off my old red, white, and chrome colored Oster blender and made my first green smoothie of 2015.

• 2 cup filtered water
• 1 bunch Italian parsley (flat leaf parsley)

Blend the water and parsley on high for about a minute or two until it is mostly liquefied. Then turn down the blender speed to low and begin adding the fruit.

• 1 banana
• 1 orange
• 1 cup of pineapple

The fruit liquefies quickly, so as soon as the last chunk of fruit goes in the blender, it only needs a few seconds and it's done. It makes about 30 oz of smoothie. A really big amount for the thirsty, or perfect for two. Serve and drink immediately because it'll start to separate as it sits. If you need to store for a bit, give it 5 seconds of blending before serving.  It doesn't really keep more than one days, so only make what you are going to drink.

The pineapple is the X factor. after you cut and dice about 1/3 of the pineapple, the rest of it only lasts for about 3 days.  So, buy a pineapple and have green smoothies three days in a row and you're golden.

Confusion

Today I realized how confused I am. I made the link between the difficulty of facing and trying to figure out all of the really hard stuff, and the ease of just ignoring it by eating/drinking/interneting/avoiding.

I'd rather face the confusing hard things and take them on while coming clear and whole. Within my confusion is a "don't know what to do" "don't know why to do anything" "don't know where to go." It's paralyzing. I'd rather face them but I feel stuck.

I do know that being fit feels good. I know how to get fit. I don't know how to stay fit, but that is another subject. I'm confused and don't feel good.

I'm going to get fit. That I know, and it feels right.